Teenagers

Lay of the Land

Some of the issues that parents must consider when raising teenagers are the same as they had to consider when raising younger kids: sibling rivalry, schedules, chores, respect, safety. Some of the issues are new now: drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex, sexually transmitted diseases, experimentation with sexual identity, membership in gangs, violence, eating disorders, cutting, depression, suicidality, abuse, gambling. Many rougher teenage issues, in fact, very much resemble the issues that adults struggle with, only they occur with a higher frequency. For instance, the percentage of teenagers using drugs is higher than the percentage of adults using drugs. Similarly, teenagers have a higher suicide rate than adults do.
 
This is scary stuff for parents. If their own child isn’t into some destructive lifestyle, then the child is surrounded by people who are. Parents worry about their teenagers. “Where is my teenager going? What is she doing? Who are her friends? What kind of people are they? How do I keep her safe?” Parental anxiety, while stemming from loving feelings, can lead to conflict with the adolescent. Too much conflict can harm the relationship one has with his or her teen.

One of the reasons that teenagers engage in extreme activities is that they are in a period of testing limits. They push as hard as they can and wait to see what will happen. They want to break away from childhood restrictions and claim their independence. One way to do this is to show parents and the world that they can do whatever they want; they can break all the rules. They want to be free. It will take them many years to realize that no one is free; we are all bound by rules and limitations. But for now, the teen defies authority, takes risks and breaks away from tradition. She’s her own person. Well, not exactly. Teens are actually subject to tremendous peer pressure. It’s fine for them to break away from parents and their childhood lifestyle but they desperately want to fit into their own peer group. They want to dress the way group dresses and do whatever the group does. Peer pressure is intense. Teens will even do things they don’t want to do in order not to deviate from the group.

Many teens are “upstanding citizens” meaning that they are already contributing to society and making a difference. Many take their studies very seriously, being focused and ambitious. Teens sometimes steer their passionate energy into worthy causes working through political systems, religious institutions or youth groups. Other teens are just the opposite. They drop out of school or barely function academically. They get involved in illegal activities. Teenage men have a higher rate than other segments of the population for criminal and antisocial behavior. Most teenagers are somewhere in between these two extremes. They plug along in school, doing the best they can. They focus a lot of their time and energy in the social arena, spending time with friends, dating and experimenting with sexuality.  They become obsessed with their appearance, spending lots of time and money to make themselves look right. They learn to drive a car and then want to drive it all the time. They listen to music, chat on-line constantly, send text messages via their ever-present cell phones. Today’s teenagers are high-tech, always exploring the cutting edge in new communication toys and tools. Any teenager who is not well-connected to friends may suffer from intense feelings of inferiority, isolation and inadequacy.

Teens sometimes experience mental health symptoms for the first time or an aggravation of previously mild symptoms. For example, they may struggle with bulimia, anoxeria or obesity now. Or, they may exhibit behaviors of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression or anxiety. Sometimes symptoms of psychosis appear. It can take parents awhile to notice that their child is not doing well because they expect teenagers to be slightly strange anyway and don’t always realize that some strange-looking behaviors are actually signs of mental illness.

The Task

The stakes are high in the teenage years. Many parents feel helpless and overwhelmed the entire decade! However, a few strategies can help reduce parental fear and help increase parental effectiveness:

•    Remember that everyone negotiates adolescence; we all grow up. Your child will have his or her teenage experience and most likely go on to a productive, normal adulthood. In other words, there is life after adolescence.

•    Conflict at home makes everything worse. Teenagers need to concentrate on themselves, as they carve out their identity and their niche in this world. Allowing them to indulge in this temporary period of self-absorption is best. If possible, tone down the marital spats and stay on top of your own issues by enlisting professional support. Most importantly, refrain from actually fighting with your teenager. Again, get professional help if you can’t do this on your own.

•    Teenagers must become independent, just as little chickies must crack through their shells. Don’t stand in the way. On the contrary: give them as much responsibility as possible. Let them shop for their own clothing on a budget, let them cook for the family, give them a specific chore that the family will depend on (i.e. taking out the garbage weekly), let them do errands for you, let them stay out with their friends and learn to take safety precautions. In other words, help them become ready to leave home. The more you assist this process, the smoother it will be. Your teen won’t need to spend all his or her time defying you just so that he or she can grow up.

•    Remember that you wanted children! Your teenager is interesting and challenging but also a lot of fun. Try to stay involved with your teen through talking, sharing, playing and laughing. It will be excellent for both of you.