Parents

Parenting Today

Parenting today is radically different that parenting of previous generations. In the past, people did what they thought was right with their kids, just like we do today. However, their source for “what they thought was right” was generally their own home. To this they may have added teachings from their religious heritage. Maybe, they read an article in a woman’s magazine. Today’s parents, however, rarely parent according to what they learned at home! In fact, they often purposely reject those lessons and turn to media, internet, publications and world-wide parenting communities. They consult parenting professionals and watch parenting T.V. productions. Instead of running by the seat of their pants, doing what comes “naturally” with their kids, they read, study and experiment with well thought-out strategies.

Is it working any better? Time will tell; in about twenty years we’ll see whether youngsters are more well-adjusted than today’s adults seem to be. We’ll see if there are fewer mental health problems like depression, anxiety and personality disorders—all of which have a genetic basis but are also impacted upon by childhood experiences. We’ll see if the next generation has more relationship success (i.e. less divorce) and more overall happiness. However, till the results are in, we can already see the short-term effects of “professional parenting.”

Parents who think about their parenting goals and learn about strategies that will help them achieve those goals tend to use less daily anger in their parenting. In the short run, this one change makes home-life more pleasant, relaxed and healthy. In homes with less yelling, kids have fewer nervous habits like nail-biting, bed-wetting and hair-pulling. They tend to do better at school and in the school yard and even their physical health is better. This happens because stress aggravates body and mind. Yelling and other types of aggressive parenting frightens kids and causes stress that interferes with their functioning on every level. A more respectful environment is a less stressed environment; both kids and adults have a better quality of life in such a home.

In order for parents to refrain from yelling, shaming or scaring their kids, they must learn some powerful parenting strategies. Kids are not all the same. Although some are born almost perfect, requiring hardly any formal guidance from their parents, most need a generous dose of nudging and correction and some kids are downright difficult to raise. Children have different inborn personalities, tendencies and temperaments. Parents need to have parenting options that give them flexibility to raise more than one kind of child. Parents have lots of questions: “How do I get my child into bed without a fight every night?” “How do I get my child to eat healthy food without ramming it down his throat?” “How do I stop my child from squeezing the baby so hard that the baby cries?” What parents mean is “How do I raise my child without screaming at him or slapping him silly!” “How can I gently motivate my child to do the right thing?”

Being a Parent

Many parents come from homes in which they experienced harsh parenting. They don’t want to repeat that style with their kids. Some of these parents are dismayed to find that, when their buttons are pushed, they sound just like their mothers used to sound! This is quite normal, in fact, because when people feel upset, frightened or angry, the thinking part of the brain (the frontal cortex) goes off-line and the emotional part of the brain (the amygdale) controls the show. In the emotional part, the tapes of childhood are stored, ready for quick access in case of emergencies. Unfortunately, parents feel as if their child’s disobedience is a national emergency and therefore, the emotional part of the brain spews out Mom’s voice.
 
Fortunately, there are ways to over-ride this process (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice). However, this is not the only challenge that adults have in parenting. Parenting is a very taxing experience. There are so many decisions to make that it can be overwhelming, especially for people who have trouble making decisions. Keeping a home running fluently and functionally is not everyone’s forte and some parents with ADD actually have a large challenge accomplishing this. Parents with their own mental health issues—depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, addictions—often find that their own emotional state makes objective parenting difficult. Depressed parents may not have the energy to focus on the intense, constant needs of their children. Anxious parents may suffer intensely with all of the terrifying issues of raising children (particular regarding safety issues and health issues, but extending to any aspect of the child’s well-being such as social and academic functioning). Parents with bi-polar disorder and addictions may struggle with anger management, reliability and stability—often feeling overwhelmed by the emotional demands of parenting. Parents without mental health diagnoses find parenting challenging also because, let’s face it, parenting is one of the most challenging aspects of life. What does any parent feel when their child is ill, having problems in school, having trouble making friends or not functioning well in any area? What does any parent experience when their child doesn’t listen, doesn’t talk to them or doesn’t get along well with siblings? What does any parent feel when the principal calls with threats to expel a child, when the report card comes home with low grades, when a child is bullied? Parents are only human. They feel helpless at times, overwhelmed, exhausted, frightened, hurt, saddened, angry, frustrated and enraged. Parents can feel inadequate, insecure, confused. And of course, the good news is that parents can feel pride, joy, satisfaction, happiness and tons of love! Parenting is all of this and more. It is an intensely emotional experience.

The Task

Parents must learn to handle negative emotions before they address their child. Otherwise, the child only learns how to show anger, upset or hysteria and doesn’t actually learn anything about what the parents wants her to know. For example, suppose a child stayed out past her curfew and her parents were very displeased. By the time the child arrived home, the parents were not only displeased, but they were also frantic, terrified and terribly distraught. When the young lady comes in the front door, the parents are initially relieved but this emotion lasts for about 10 seconds and then their rage, their indignation and their resentment bubble back up to the surface. How should they parent the youngster? If they express their emotions, then the child will learn how to show rage, indignation and resentment. She will not learn that she needs to return by her set curfew. In order to teach her that respecting the curfew is important, both the parents and the child will need to be in a teaching moment: calm, relaxed and in control. In this case, this means that the parents will need to do the teaching later, after they return to a calm state. They will have to settle their emotions now. Fortunately, parents have twenty years or so to raise a child, so there is no urgency to teach something RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  The child will be around the next day also. Teaching itself requires skill and know-how. Being calm is necessary, but not sufficient. The parents might want to read up on how to handle this situation (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice), find out how others handle it (do research or chat on-line) or consult a professional. There is no rush. Investing a bit of time and effort may yield a more effective strategy that results in a long-lasting positive result. The main thing is not to damage the relationship (the seat of true parenting power) by simply impulsively expressing parental emotion.