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Kids
School-Aged Children
Although 4-11 year olds aren’t getting much press these days, this age group is, in my opinion, the most significant age parents to focus serious attention on. This is because what goes on in the child’s life between the ages of 4 and 11 will strongly affect what kind of teenager and adult this youngster will become. Children consciously remember many of the experiences of this period. Even when they don’t recall their experiences, the emotions they felt and the lessons they learned are all strongly embedded in the neural pathways of their brains. Children of this age are “programmable” meaning that your words and actions affect them the way a powerful hypnotist affects his patient: much of what they will later think and feel has its roots in the interactions they had with you during this crucial period.
Lay of the Land
At this age, children begin to broaden their world. They are more interested now in their peer group. They can communicate well outside the home. They are eager to learn about the world. Kids are now taking their first steps on the long journey toward independence. They can do more and want to do more. In fact, this is a good age to introduce children to responsibilities like making their bed, handling money, sewing a button, using some tools and so on—because they are eager to learn and to grow in competence. Young children can do much more than we think. In some cultures children as young as 7 regularly make meals for the family, do the shopping and look after younger siblings. This doesn’t mean that we should turn our young children into personal slaves (although it is tempting….), but rather, that we shouldn’t underestimate their capabilities.
By age 11 most children will be proficient in the self-care routines like brushing teeth, combing hair, taking baths, getting into and out of bed and eating appropriate meals. However, parents will usually be working hard from the time the child is 4 years old to get him or her to this point of self-sufficiency. There can be many battles over each of these tasks: “My child refuses to eat decent food!” “My daughter doesn’t let me brush her hair!” “My kids won’t go to bed on time and then they wake up exhausted in the morning.” “My child refuses to brush his teeth.” “My daughter won’t take her medicine.” “My son only eats junk food.” And so on and on. Kids aren’t born civilized! It takes hard work to get them there.
School-age children have lots of school-related problems. Some kids don’t want to go to school. “My daughter is refusing to go to school.” “My 4 year old won’t get out of the car.” “My son tells me he has a stomach ache every morning!.” Lots of kids go to school, but then don’t do very well there. “My 9 year old refuses to do his homework.” “My 6 year old doesn’t listen to the teacher.” “My son has been expelled!” “My daughter daydreams in class.” “My child misbehaves in school.” “My child will not talk to anyone when she is in school even though she won’t stop talking when she is at home!” Between the ages of 5 and 8, many children will get diagnosed with learning disabilies or ADHD because of difficulties they are experiencing in class. Some children will get diagnosed with selective mutism (refusal to talk in school). Others will have other diagnoses if their behavior or performance is out of the norm.
School-age kids have problems other than school. Many suffer from a painful level of anxiety and fear. Kids have lots of phobias: fear of animals, fear of spiders, fear of clowns, fear of the dark, fear of robbers, fear of parents dying, fear of thunder, fear of needles—fears of so many of the things they will encounter in their daily lives. Although childhood fears are common, it is important for parents to address them.
Whether or not a child has fears, he can have nervous habits or, as they are sometimes called, bad habits. These include thumb-sucking, nail-biting, hair-pulling, nose picking and nail cracking. Many kids between 7 and 9 develop transitory tic disorder: involuntary frequent blinking, twitches, throat clearing and facial movements. This usually passes by itself but can sometimes be an enduring symptom of Tourette’s disorder. Multiple, persistent tics should be evaluated by a medical or mental health professional.
The most common challenges of this age group involve daily issues. Sibling rivalry is almost universal and includes jealousy, fighting, refusing to share, teasing, tormenting, hitting, not respecting the property of siblings and so on. Some kids have similar issues with their friends and some kids have trouble making friends because of their poor social skills. Not listening to parents is a perennial favorite of this age group and involves non-compliance, not listening, arguing and disrespectful behavior. The battleground is typically bedtime, mealtime, homework time and waking up time—but it can be anything!
The Task
Parents help their 4 to 11 year old children develop the habits and routines of healthy functioning that will serve them the rest of their lives. Parents also teach this age group their value system, a belief system and a way of interpreting the world. By direct intervention and modeling, parents show school-age children how to behave, think and even feel. For instance, parents can teach this age child that honesty is a valued trait or that out-smarting the system through clever dishonesty is a valued trait—whatever the parents convey will have a major impact on the child’s life direction. Although parents will be helping these kids learn to clean up after themselves, brush their teeth, do their homework, eat well and go to bed on time, the real lessons they will be teaching is how to be a human being, how to show love and how to function in relationships. Therefore, parents need to know how to teach kids functional skills like tidying up, using clean language, staying in bed at night and so on in a way that will be consistent with the parents’ larger goals of what they want the child to know about being a human being. Parents will need strategies for teaching that are respectful and kind if they want to help their school-age child become a teenager and adult who will be respectful and kind.
Raising a human being is an awesome task, requiring thought and skill. Applying oneself to parenting doesn’t mean that one will be able to raise a perfect person, but it does mean that one can do a very good job of parenting. And that’s really all a parent has to do. It’s also up to a child to accept the teachings of his or her parent as a good beginning and to work on him or herself throughout life to become a better and better human being. We never stop growing up!
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