Lilly - I am not Sarah and will be curious what she has to say.  In the meantime, here are some of my thoughts. 

It is no fun having anyone talk to you like that.  I can feel your frustration and understand how you can be at a loss.  There is clearly something really hurting inside him and you seem to be getting the brunt of it. 

A lot of what you shared here are the outward expression of what ever is up for him - and he is finding ways to get lots of attention for these expressions.  I would bet that there are times when he is not in his rage, and is doing exactly what you would want him to be doing.  So asking yourself "What do I want from the situation?" - calm, asking questions, responding on the first warning, being kind...what else?  Then begin noticing times when he is doing those things that you want and giving him attention and energy for those things. 

I work with a lot of young people and I just refuse to be treated with anything other than dignity and respect.  And I in turn treat others with the same as I try to understand what is behind the outward expressions.  In other words, I want to figure out what is really going on behind the rage, anger, back talk, etc.

 As a parent you get to decide how people get treated in your home. And if everyone knows the expectation, then having a consequence (punishment) when that expectation is not met is essential.  It provides a boundary, so everyone knows where the limit is.  If you set a clear expectation and he continues to break it, then you have an opportunity to teach him about being in control of his own world.  It is him that is breaking the rule and you are simply honoring his choice - and will continue to do so.

In terms of consequences, we use timeouts or resets;  it is really trouble when you back yourself into a corner with consequences that you cannot or do not follow through on.  We trust that the kids know exactly what they did and why the consequence happened.

I also try to make sure that I am taking care of myself when this kind of stuff is up for me - sleeping enough, eating healthy, drinking water, getting some exercise.  When I am able to stay in my power and clarity, then I am able to serve my kids in a much more loving way. 

Good luck.  Remember your heart. 

Playing Huge.
morgan

Lilly,Your story is more common than you may think. The cause of behavioral outbursts like you describe can be many, parenting style is one. I hope that this is the case for you because, believe it or not, it is one of the easiest to fix. This does not mean that I think you are a bad parent, but there may be some things you could do differently. Please check out my article linked below. Just copy and paste the http address into your address bar. If you want specific advice, I would be glad to chat with you more.