Babies

The New Arrival
 
Mom has just experienced an exhausting, painful labor. Of course, it was all worth it—the prize of a precious newborn quickly heals the memories of discomfort in pregnancy and birth. A whole new life is beginning—for a freshly created human being and for the family he or she belongs to. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Lay of the Land

 What can new parents expect? Excitement of course. All the friends and relatives are eager to welcome the new baby. The siblings are also excited, although they may have many other feelings as well. Confusion, fear, jealousy and even anger may be mixed in with all their positive emotions. Even the parents themselves will have a mix of emotions: happiness, pride, uncertainty, hope, worry and, if the baby has any health issues, sadness, shock or grief. No matter what the situation, this time of life is deeply moving and transformational and arouses complex reactions in every family member.

Of course, the first concerns will be practical ones. How does one function with a newborn? How does Mom get her morning coffee or get dressed while holding a fussy baby? How does Dad get started on his day after being up at night with the little one? How do all the household things happen: meal preparation, clean up, shopping, childcare and all the rest? The tiny helpless bundle seems to suck up all the resources all by itself. Working out a new family rhythm is always challenging at first, whether this is the first child or the 10th.

New Parent or Old Hand?
 
However new parents do face some different issues than experienced parents do. For instance, new parents are often overwhelmed by a baby’s incessant needs, whereas old hands have already learned how to incorporate the on-going demands of children into their lifestyle (i.e. they’ve already surrendered all traces of freedom!).  New parents must come to terms with the fact that they won’t be sleeping a full night for a long time, while experienced parents with several children often haven’t slept 8 straight hours in years and no longer expect to.
New parents also must learn how to handle a baby physically, including washing the infant, diapering him and feeding him. Experienced parents are usually comfortable with these aspects of baby care unless there has been a gap of several years between the birth of this child and the birth of the last child. New parents also are new baby-consumers, having to research and select all kinds of baby products (strollers, car seats, intercom systems, diapering systems, play pens and so on and on and on) whereas parents who have a toddler at home still have most of the equipment they’ll need for their baby.

The Task

What are the tasks of the first weeks and months at home with a newborn? Survival. At least at the beginning. Mom is still sore from the birth and possibly exhausted from it as well—especially if she had surgery or any kind of medical intervention. The baby doesn’t sleep much or sleeps too much and doesn’t nurse well; night becomes day and day becomes night and it’s all one big blur. Mom can be confused. “How do I stop the baby from crying? How do I comfort a baby? How do I get the baby to sleep? How do I get the baby to wake up and eat? Is the baby sick? Is his bowel movement normal? Why does the baby have goop in her eye? Why is the baby’s hair falling out? Why is the baby having trouble sucking at the breast? Why does the baby cry unless I hold her?” It’s all new. And if it isn’t new, there are still questions. “How do I get the toddler to stop hurting the baby?” “My husband and I have no time for each other!” “My older child has started regressing.” “How can I get some sleep?”
The questions are pressing. Parents ask their mothers, their sisters and their neighbours. They go on-line. They digest a steady diet of parenting books. So the early weeks are about learning, experimenting, researching, groping in the dark. And they’re about also about stabilizing, recuperating and carving out a new family structure.

Once the baby is on a bit of a predictable schedule and the rhythms of family life have been re-established, parents can focus on providing a stimulating, healthy environment for the baby. Now the baby becomes more of a person and less of a crying machine. There will still be feeding issues and sleeping issues, of course. But as the baby becomes more alert, the focus moves to developing a relationship with her, getting to know her personality and offering her opportunities for growth. Now parents bring home rattles, toys, books and interesting stroller and crib toys. It’s playtime!

The Family

The birth of a new baby brings dramatic change into the family.  Siblings must adjust to the new family member and adjust the pecking order. Everyone moves up a notch. That adorable toddler who was the baby just yesterday is now a giant compared to the 8 lb featherweight or has joined the team. She must give up some of the glory, trading it in for a bit more power. But it’s not easy. Change is always somewhat challenging. Parents cannot focus all of their attention on the adjustment of the baby; they must be cognizant of the changing roles of each child in the family. Parents can take steps to make the transition smoother.

But the parents are also changing and their relationship is under major renovation. They will face the challenge of all new parents: will they still set time aside to nurture their relationship? Will the be able to continue to make the spouse a priority or will the newborn take front and center? Spouses can be just as jealous as siblings! Creating a healthy family life in which the marriage stands as a solid foundation is increasingly more difficult in today’s world. Will the couple withstand the challenge or will they succumb to divorce, as so many do after the birth of a child? Women—tired, overworked and overwhelmed—still seem to be the ones nurture family relationships. Can a new mother keep it up? Or does she succumb to exhaustion and post-partum hormones, collapsing into a screaming shrew or can’t keep her cool? New moms need to know their limitations and make sure they are being taken care of in those early weeks after birth. When the new mother is well-nurtured then, and only then, can she look after her family properly.